“If I Stand Up For Myself, I’m Being A Bitch.”

Have You Ever Had That Thought?

Maybe you want to tell someone that something hurt you, set a boundary, disagree with them, or simply say, “No, that doesn’t work for me.”

And suddenly you start questioning yourself.

Am I being bitchy?
Am I being difficult?
Am I overreacting?
Are they going to be mad at me?
Maybe I should just let it go.

And sometimes you do let it go.

Then you find yourself thinking about it later. Replaying the conversation. Getting angry with yourself for not saying what you actually wanted to say.

A common theme I’ve been noticing in some of my sessions lately, especially with women, is this belief that asserting yourself means you're being mean, difficult, selfish, or, yes… a bitch.

Where Did We Learn This?

I think some of this comes from the messages many of us heard growing up.

Be nice.

Don't be difficult.

Don't talk back.

Keep the peace.

Think about everyone else's feelings.

Be agreeable.

Don't be “too much.”

So when you grow up learning that being a “good” person means being accommodating, it can feel incredibly uncomfortable when you start having needs of your own.

You might know logically that you have every right to speak up, but emotionally?

It can feel wrong.

And when you've spent years putting other people's comfort ahead of your own, asserting yourself can feel like you're doing something selfish—even when you're not.

Discomfort Doesn't Always Mean Danger

This is where I think it's really important to pay attention to what happens in your body when you're about to stand up for yourself.

Maybe your chest gets tight.

Your stomach drops.

Your heart starts racing.

You feel flushed.

Your voice gets shaky.

You suddenly can't think of what you wanted to say.

Or maybe you feel an overwhelming urge to just say, “It's fine,” even when it isn't.

Notice it.

That feeling is real, but it doesn't automatically mean you're doing something wrong.

Sometimes your nervous system is sounding an alarm because speaking up feels unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or unsafe based on what you've experienced in the past.

And when that alarm goes off, your brain may start throwing old messages at you:

Don't make them mad.

Keep the peace.

You're being too sensitive.

It's not worth the argument.

Just let it go.

They're going to think you're a bitch.

Calm Your Body Before You Respond

Here's the thing: you don't have to automatically believe every message your anxious brain gives you.

You can notice the feeling.

You can slow down.

You can breathe.

You can feel your feet on the floor.

You can remind yourself:

“I'm uncomfortable, but I'm not necessarily unsafe.”

Then ask yourself:

What do I actually feel?

What do I need?

What do I want to communicate?

That can be the first step toward being more assertive.

What Does Assertiveness Actually Sound Like?

Let's say someone raises their voice when they're upset.

Maybe you've learned to immediately shut down when someone gets loud. Maybe your body goes into that alarm response before you even have time to think.

Instead of automatically assuming:

They're angry. I'm in trouble. I need to make this stop.

Pause.

Figure out what's happening for you.

And then you might say:

“I feel fear when you raise your voice. If you're angry, please just tell me what's going on. I want to be able to talk about it, but it's difficult for me when voices get raised.”

Notice what you're not saying.

You're not saying:

“You're an asshole.”

You're not saying:

“You always do this.”

You're not attacking their character.

You're not trying to control their emotions.

You're communicating your experience.

You're saying, This is what happens for me when this happens, and this is what I need in order to have this conversation.

That's assertiveness.

Assertiveness Isn't Aggression

This distinction is important.

Being assertive doesn't mean you have to be harsh, loud, angry, or confrontational.

It can actually be very calm.

Sometimes assertiveness sounds like:

“That doesn't work for me.”

“I need some time to think about that before I answer.”

“I understand that you see it differently, but this is how I feel.”

“I'm not comfortable with that.”

“I don't want to do that.”

“I need you to speak to me without yelling.”

And sometimes it's simply:

“No.”

You don't always need a five-minute explanation to justify your boundary.

The Hard Part Might Come Afterward

Sometimes the hardest part isn't actually saying the words.

It's tolerating how you feel after you say them.

You set the boundary.

You say no.

You tell someone you're hurt.

And then your nervous system starts screaming:

Oh my God. They're mad.

I shouldn't have said that.

Maybe I was too harsh.

Maybe I should apologize.

Maybe I should take it back.

This is where the work comes in.

You can learn to sit with that discomfort without immediately abandoning yourself to make someone else comfortable.

Because someone being disappointed with you doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.

Someone disagreeing with you doesn't automatically mean your feelings aren't valid.

And someone being uncomfortable with your boundary doesn't automatically mean the boundary is unreasonable.

Start Small

If you're someone who struggles with assertiveness, don't start by trying to become this completely confident person who never feels uncomfortable saying what she needs.

Start smaller.

Notice your body.

Notice when you want to speak up but stop yourself.

Notice the thought that comes immediately before you back down.

Maybe it's:

I'm being selfish.

They're going to be mad.

I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

I'm being a bitch.

That's the thought worth examining.

Ask yourself:

Is this actually true—or is this an old message I've learned to believe?

Then take a breath.

Calm your body.

Figure out what you actually want or need.

And practice saying it.

You Don't Have to Make Yourself Smaller

You can be kind and have boundaries.

You can care about someone's feelings and express your own.

You can be compassionate and say no.

You can love someone and tell them that the way they're speaking to you isn't okay.

You can be a good person without constantly making yourself smaller so everyone else can stay comfortable.

And maybe the goal isn't to stop feeling uncomfortable when you stand up for yourself.

Maybe the goal is to learn:

“I can feel uncomfortable and still speak up for myself.”

Because standing up for yourself doesn't make you a bitch.

It means you're learning that your feelings, your needs, and your boundaries matter, too.