Why Boundaries Aren’t Mean: They’re Healthy (Here’s How to Set Them)
In my last blog, I shared the story of a close friend navigating the emotional complexity of attending the memorial service for her narcissistic father, a deeply painful experience marked by manipulation, guilt, and unresolved grief. One of the most powerful lessons that emerged from her story was the importance of setting boundaries, even in the most emotionally charged moments.
Today, I want to dive deeper into that theme.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves and others in relationships. They define what we’re comfortable with and what we’re not. Think of them like property lines for your emotional, physical, and mental space.
According to Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor and bestselling author, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Setting clear boundaries helps us show up in relationships more authentically, rather than with resentment or burnout.
Why Boundaries Are Healthy
Here’s what boundaries aren’t: rude, aggressive, cold, selfish.
Here’s what boundaries are:
A form of self-respect
A way to protect your mental and emotional energy
Necessary for healthy relationships
A way to model healthy behavior to others (especially kids and partners)
Studies show that people who have strong personal boundaries experience less stress and anxiety, improved self-esteem, and more satisfying relationships (Kocet, 2006; Holtzman et al., 2018).
Common Myths About Boundaries
“If I set boundaries, people will leave me.”
People who truly care about you will adjust, not abandon you. Those who don’t respect boundaries may be benefiting from your lack of them.“Setting boundaries is selfish.”
On the contrary, boundaries prevent resentment and burnout—making you more present and connected in relationships.“I have to explain or justify every boundary.”
No, you don’t. A boundary is a statement, not a debate. “I’m not available at that time” is enough.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries (Without Guilt)
Setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you're used to being a people-pleaser. Start small and build confidence with these steps:
1. Tune Into Your Needs
Ask yourself:
What drains me?
What energizes me?
Where do I feel resentful or anxious?
Resentment is often a clue that a boundary has been crossed.
2. Communicate Clearly and Calmly
Use “I” statements:
“I’m not available to talk late at night, but I can catch up tomorrow.”
“I value our friendship, and I need space right now to recharge.”
3. Stick to Your Boundaries
Consistency builds trust—both with yourself and others. People may test your limits, especially if they’re used to you saying “yes.” Stay firm, not forceful.
4. Expect Discomfort—but Not Guilt
You might feel uncomfortable, but that’s okay. Guilt does not mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re doing something new.
Boundaries in Different Areas of Life
Work: “I don’t check emails after 6 p.m.”
Family: “I’m not comfortable discussing that topic.”
Friendships: “I can’t commit to that plan this weekend.”
Romantic relationships: “I need alone time to feel balanced.”
Final Thoughts: Boundaries Are a Form of Love
As therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab says in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace (2021):
“Boundaries are the cure to burnout, resentment, and codependency.”
When you set a boundary, you’re not rejecting someone, you’re respecting both yourself and the relationship. You’re creating space where true connection can grow.
Need help setting boundaries or unlearning patterns of people-pleasing? Therapy can help. Feel free to reach out, I’d be honored to walk with you on this path toward a healthier, more empowered life.
Further Reading & References:
Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. Penguin Random House.
Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House.
Kocet, M. M. (2006). Ethical challenges in setting boundaries. Journal of Counseling & Development, 84(2), 124-129.
Holtzman, S., DeClerck, D., & Turcotte, K. (2018). Personality, stress, and decision making: Predicting behavioral boundaries. Personality and Individual Differences, 135, 66–72.
